Reflection

So in the past few weeks, my emotions have been knocked around in every way possible. I have been ignored, treated coldly by someone I cared about; I have been distanced from one of the people I love the most; I have looked up at the skies and thought my life good, thought myself lucky.

I'm not sure how I feel. I know that I'm not the only person in the world to feel pain, to experience difficult patches in life. However, my recent experiences have helped me to realise a few things about myself:

• I find it very easy to love, but very rarely have it returned. I am passionate about people who don't even know I exist. I care deeply about those who could never possibly care about me, who never will. I worry and I weep about hordes of cold, uncaring, depressed individuals. why do I do these things to myself? why do I have these feelings? I don't really know. But sometimes I wished that I could be icy and unfeeling- so not to feel a painful sting when the ones I love unravel and fall away, leaving me alone.
• I will never be beautiful. I always think of the normal people as the most beautiful- those with routine, with echoing laughter and family anecdotes. I have all of these things, of course i do. But I will never shine like those beautiful regular people. I will always be dulled and sad, tucked into the corner of a room, forever in awe of the beauty that surrounds me.
• There is a point to life. I don't know what it is, but somehow there must be. Sometimes, I feel full of passion and optimism for life, I see nature, hear music, watch the people around me being happy. perhaps days like that are why we should keep on living.

I'm not sad, I'm simply unsure of how to feel.

I'm not living, I'm just killing time.

- true love waits.